Drag Wars
by Tanba Josav
Summary: A different view of Duel of the Fates. Think Star Wars meets Priscilla Queen of the Desert . . . slash implied


DRAG WARS  
  
DISCLAIMER: The Star Wars universe belongs solely to George Lucas and if he knew what I was about to do with it he would probably strap me to the front of the Death Star. Also I am making nada from this story, this is purely a labour of lust.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Qui-Gon finished talking with Padme and walked over to Obi-Wan who was sitting on a log, his head in his hands, looking very depressed.  
  
"What's wrong petal?" asked Qui-Gon quietly.  
  
"Master!" Obi-Wan exclaimed looking up. "How many times have I told you its Padawan in public."  
  
"Padawan, petal. What's the difference?" Qui-Gon wanted to know sitting down next to him. "Besides you can call me Master in public."  
  
"I have too," growled Obi-Wan.  
  
"I know," Qui-Gon replied. "It's not fair!" he pouted.  
  
Obi-Wan knew that his master could sulk for hours if given the chance. "You asked me what's wrong," he reminded him.  
  
Qui-Gon brightened up. "Yes I did," he poked Obi-Wan. "Well tell your dear Master."  
  
"It's her," Obi-Wan pointed out Padme, who was currently arm wrestling one of her handmaidens.  
  
Qui-Gon looked at Obi-Wan quizzically. "What about her?"  
  
"You mean you never noticed?" Obi-Wan was surprised. "Those big, elaborate costumes and that deep voice? I thought she was a man."  
  
"Oh!" Qui-Gon patted his petal's (sorry Padawan's) shoulder sympathetically.  
  
"We got to know each other so well while you were gallivanting about on Tatooine," Obi-Wan glared at his friend before continuing. "We would sit up and talk all through the night about music, fashion design and sport," Obi- Wan smiled at the memories. "She told the best fart jokes," his face fell again. "And then I found out she was a woman."  
  
"You do realise that the Queen was with me the whole time and that you were chatting up the decoy," Qui-Gon pointed out.  
  
Obi-Wan's face lit up. "You're right!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Of course I'm right," Qui-Gon asserted. "I'm always right. Well except for that time on Diva. How was I to know karaoke was a punishable offense?" he leaned closer to his young, virile apprentice. "Why don't you go find the queenly decoy."  
  
"Good idea," Obi-Wan stood up and looked around. He spotted his quarry and started walking towards her. "Yoo-hoo Sabe dear. Can I have a word?"  
  
Qui-Gon looked to see Jar Jar ambling towards him.  
  
"Hiday Jedi Quigon," Jar Jar mumbled.  
  
Instead of answering Qui-Gon just stared intently at the Gungan. Jar Jar began to get nervous.  
  
"Wha?" he wanted to know. "Meesa got sumin on meesa face?"  
  
"Jar Jar," Qui-Gon began mildly. "Have you ever considered wearing lipstick?"  
  
Jar Jar's eyes bulged and his hands flew up to his face.  
  
"Lipstick with these lips? Yousa nuts?" Jar Jar gave the Jedi a peculiar look and after throwing his arms up into the air stumbled away muttering. "And they calla me cawazy."  
  
Obi-Wan wandered back with his head down and shoulders hunched.  
  
"Well?" asked Qui-Gon.  
  
Obi-Wan slumped down on the log assuming the same position that his master had found him in. "She's a chick," Obi-Wan wailed. "They all are. Can you believe it?"  
  
"Who would have guessed," Qui-Gon said in sympathy. He slapped the young man on the back, almost knocking him over. "There, there. We are going into a dangerous situation soon," he reminded Obi-Wan. "I'm sure you'll feel much better after you give someone a good thrashing."  
  
"What's my kinky habits..?" realization dawned on Obi-Wan's face. "Oh! Beating up bad guys. Right, sure I understand now," Obi-Wan nodded to his master. "Just point me in the right direction and maybe later we can have a workout ourselves," he teased.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Deadly laser blasts peppered the air while droids and humans were engaged in a dance of death.  
  
Obi-Wan felt he could have choreographed it a little better, given enough time, but he was impressed. Not bad for amateurs, he thought.  
  
He glanced around and was glad to see that the little pipsqueak had finally taken the hint and vanished. That Anakin kid had severely cramped his style.  
  
The group ducked into a side passage only to be confronted with a shadowy figure holding a large lightsabre.  
  
"Oh great," Padme moaned. "Not another one." She looked to Qui-Gon. "This is your problem. We're finding another way."  
  
With that the party backed away leaving the two Jedi to deal with this menace. The figure shook back its hood to reveal a heavily tattooed face complete with stubby horns.  
  
"I don't believe it," Qui-Gon breathed. "Its Darlene Maulie."  
  
Darth Maul sneered at them. "Well if it isn't Qui-Good Looking and his little sidekick Obi-Wanna Man. What are you girls doing here?"  
  
"Wait a minute," Obi-Wan interrupted turning to his master. "You know this drag?"  
  
"Well yes Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon explained patiently. "We did meet on Tatooine, remember?"  
  
"And I suppose you exchanged names and star signs while you were fighting," Obi-Wan spoke sarcastically.  
  
"No we did that at the ball," the Jedi master said dismissably.  
  
"What ball?" his apprentice demanded.  
  
"Well you remember how last week I told you I was off visiting my poor sick grandmother," Qui-Gon asked. Obi-Wan thought for a bit then nodded. "Well dear Obi did it ever occur to you that I don't have a grandmother?"  
  
Obi-Wan thought some more. "Oh yeah," his face clouded over. "You lied to me," he cried.  
  
Darth Maul growled menacingly as he shrugged off his robe to reveal a sheer red crop-top and black lycra leggings.  
  
"Nice," Qui-Gon spoke approvingly. "I see you kept with the red and black motif."  
  
The Jedi master shrugged off his robe to unveil a stunning tight low cut dress that hugged his masculine body. A very high slit up the left side gave him some freedom to move. Maul's eyes traveled slowly down the dress to rest on Qui-Gon's practical black utility boots. The Jedi blushed when he noted where his nemesis was looking.  
  
"I knew it," he hissed to Obi-Wan. "We should have added sequins to the boots. They have totally ruined the look."  
  
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes as his robe fell to the ground. Underneath he was wearing a snow-white jumpsuit half unbuttoned to reveal his firm chest.  
  
"Haven't I told you not to wear that thing until you've grown some chest hair?" Qui-Gon lectured.  
  
Obi-Wan scowled. "I dressed in a hurry this morning and it was the first thing I grabbed."  
  
"Excuse me," both Jedi turned back to the Sith lord. "If you don't mind I have a ten o'clock appointment to get my nails done. I don't have all day," he ignited his sabre, red blades extending from both ends.  
  
"I guess size does matter," mumbled Obi-Wan.  
  
Darth Maul gestured them onwards as he swung his sabre and grinned widely.  
  
"Usual tag team rules apply?" Obi-Wan asked his master.  
  
Qui-Gon nodded. He then lunged forwards aiming his own sabre low, trying to cut the Sith Lord down to size. Darth Maul blocked the attack as he kicked backwards to discourage Obi-Wan from making a move. The battle worked its way through the power station, the hum and clash of blades the only sound they made. Darth Maul jumped onto a higher catwalk.  
  
Qui-Gon slapped Obi-Wan's palm. "Tag," he said and the both leapt upwards landing one on either side of the Sith.  
  
The Jedi acted together to try and wear their enemy down. Darth Maul kicked out at Qui-Gon knocking him back. The Sith then spun around and lazily flicked his foot out tripping Obi-Wan, who fell onto a catwalk below.  
  
"Oops," Darth Maul purred.  
  
Qui-Gon pushed the Sith in the back knocking him down as well. When the Jedi master peered over the side he could see that Maul had fallen past Obi- Wan. Qui-Gon gave his apprentice a jaunty wave before jumping down to Maul's level. The Sith Lord bolted along the catwalk and the quickly tiring Qui-Gon followed eager to finish the fight. The Jedi master could hear his apprentice huffing behind him as he too tried to catch up.  
  
Qui-Gon and Darth Maul raced down a corridor. They had almost reached the end when Qui-Gon skidded to a stop.  
  
"Wait," he cried out. "I've broken a nail." He swiftly knelt down and pulling out an emery board, from one of his boots, proceeded to file his fingernails.  
  
Darth Maul turned off his sabre and began to pace irritably. "Oh come on," he snarled. "I don't have all day."  
  
"Patience," Qui-Gon spoke soothingly. "You can't rush these things."  
  
The Sith glanced back down the corridor to see Obi-Wan slumped over at the other end. "What's wrong with him?" he asked.  
  
Qui-Gon didn't even turn around. "Too much cheesecake and not enough exercise," he replied.  
  
The Jedi waved the piece of emery like a mini sabre. "Want one?" he inquired.  
  
"No thanks. Let's just get on with it," Maul growled impatiently.  
  
Qui-Gon picked up his sabre and staggered to his feet. He gestured to the room beyond. "After you."  
  
Darth Maul ignited his sabre. "Let's dance," he agreed before they both disappeared into the room.  
  
Obi-Wan made his way slowly to the end of the corridor trying to catch his breath. He reached to entrance to the room just in time to witness the end of the fight. The two combatants stood near the edge of the melting pit trading blows. Qui-Gon was visibly tiring and his reflexes were slow.  
  
In a moment of distraction Darth Maul smacked Qui-Gon in the face with the handle of his sabre. The Jedi master stepped backwards stunned. The Sith also stepped backwards and swung his sabre about plunging it into Qui-Gon's midsection. As Qui-Gon fell to his knees in shock Maul leant over him and spoke triumphantly.  
  
"That's for wearing the same leopard print negligee to the ball as I did. You made me look a fool."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." By a strange twist of fate Obi-Wan had overheard the Sith. "Master that's my negligee. You promised me you'd never wear it again. You stretch it," he accused.  
  
Obi-Wan's eyes flicked from his dying master to the leering Sith. "Get away from him you bitch," he screamed as he ignited his sabre and rushed Maul. Obi-Wan's fury lending his arm strength as he brutally attacked. As the young Jedi drove the Sith Lord backwards giving him no chance to retaliate Obi-Wan knew he couldn't keep up this relentless assault. He knew this had to end quickly so he maneuvered Maul into a position where he was able to sever the Sith's double-bladed sabre.  
  
Darth Maul took several steps backwards. "Hey that was brand new," he protested.  
  
"Tough," sneered Obi-Wan as he advanced on the Sith. The Jedi's eyes glanced at Maul's feet. "Is that nail polish yours?" he wondered out loud.  
  
"What?" as Maul glanced down Obi-Wan swung his sabre around and sliced the Sith Lord in half.  
  
"Bitch," Darth Maul wailed as he fell out of sight.  
  
Obi-Wan turned off his sabre and stumbled to his friend.  
  
The apprentice reached his master's side and kneeling down he gently cradled his friend. "Master," he cried softly.  
  
Qui-Gon opened his eyes and Obi-Wan visibly flinched at the pain he saw there.  
  
"How's the dress?" Qui-Gon whispered.  
  
Obi-Wan looked down at the bloodied garment with the gaping hole. "It's looked better," he replied brokenly.  
  
"It's ruined." Qui-Gon spoke grimly.  
  
"No Master I'm sure we can fix it," Obi-Wan pleaded as he tightened his grip on his teacher. "We just need to get it to a tailor in time."  
  
"Petal," Qui-Gon cupped his apprentice's face. "It's beyond repair."  
  
Obi-Wan closed his eyes briefly to hold back the tears. He opened them again. "We're not really talking about the dress are we?" he whispered.  
  
Qui-Gon spoke quietly. "No petal, the dress is a metaphor for me."  
  
Obi-Wan openly sobbed. "Don't die. You can't leave me."  
  
Qui-Gon smiled serenely at his apprentice. "Obi-Wan promise me you'll train the boy."  
  
"What?" Obi-Wan asked in disbelief. "That little mons.." the young man stopped himself. "Of course Master."  
  
"Thanks sweet," the Jedi master patted Obi-Wan's cheek affectionately.  
  
"Wouldn't Master Yoda be better?" Obi-Wan asked tentatively.  
  
Qui-Gon snorted then winced. "Yoda insists on always wearing that royal blue dress. Blue with his colouring? No Obi-Wan you must train Anakin. He is the Chosen One who will bring balance and fashion sense to the Force."  
  
Obi-Wan nodded tears streaming down his face. "I know this is a bad time but since you're not going to use it anymore," Obi-wan snuffled. "Could I have you're lightsabre? It's so much cooler than mine."  
  
Qui-Gon nodded as he brushed away a tear. "Anything for you."  
  
Obi-Wan clasped his master's hand to his cheek. "I love you Qui-Gon Jinn."  
  
"And I you, Obi-Wan Kenobi."  
  
A shudder ran through Qui-Gon's body and Obi-Wan felt his beloved master slip away. "No, no, no," he moaned quietly as he rocked back and forth cradling his friend's body.  
  
Several minutes passed before Obi-Wan gently laid Qui-Gon's body on the ground and stood up. In his hand he held his master's sabre. Obi-Wan walked over to the pit and after clipping his new sabre onto his belt he dropped his old one into the abyss. He strode away quickly curious to find out how everyone else had fared.  
  
If he had stayed he would have heard his sabre hitting the sides as it fell down the shaft and if he had listened very carefully he might have heard the faintest of 'ows' as it hit the bottom.  
  
THE END. 


End file.
